Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My apologies...

...for my blog absence.

I'm sure that all eight of you who actually read this blog have been nervously wringing your hands and thinking "Where, oh where, is Amanda right now? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?" (Please, please recognize the extreme sarcasm there.)

The truth is, I've not been doing too well in most areas of my life. I've been in a funk - a huge, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life-is-this-how-it's-always-going-to-be? funk.

I've found myself looking at fresh-faced kids and teenagers with jealousy because they have their whole lives in front of them - for the most part, none of them have made life-altering missteps and mistakes. (The real low point was when I started weeping while watching Will Smith's daughter, Willow, perform "Whip My Hair" on the Oprah show.)

I've been reminiscing about things I wish I'd done differently - high school decisions, college roads not taken, etc.

Basically - I've been having a little bit of an Amanda Pity Party - an APP, if you will.

I took off from work yesterday and did a lot of soul searching. I turned off my email. I didn't check Facebook. I sat in a chair in my living room and thought and prayed. I sat in silence. And I realized that the way I've been going about my life - regretful, bitter, panicked, and sad on the inside while most likely annoyingly upbeat on the outside - is simply not working.

Feeling bad about things that happened ten years ago does nothing to improve the here and now. Calling my best friend to complain and talk about trying to do something different with my life while actually doing absolutely nothing just makes me feel worse.

Enough. I've had enough. For the first time in a really long time, I had a long, honest conversation with God. It wasn't all pretty. There was some shouting and some tears. But there was also peace when it was over. I woke up calmer and happier than I've felt in a really long time.

I know this isn't going to be an overnight change. I have a lot of habits and integral personality traits that are going to take some time to overcome. But I have a plan. It's pretty simple. I'm just going to try. And for now, trying is huge for me.

So I hope you all bear with me. Don't worry - all my posts aren't going to become tributes to my existential crises. I'll still be plenty shallow at times, I'm sure.

But I'm tired of the fake Amanda. She isn't real. She's a product of apathy and fear. She's a movie character with no basis in reality. I have no more time for this pretend version.

I want to meet the real Amanda. I want you all to meet the real Amanda, too. She's so, so much more likable. I promise.


Jane said...

First of all, I was wringing over here, thank you very much, and getting ready to revolt.

Second, I really like the not real Amanda so if the real Amanda is even better...whoa nelly. Your BFF better look out! :)

Holly said...

I love you and I'm proud of you